Jemappelle, Gabrielle.

"I can see you in my sleep
Every dream, you're haunting me
All the anger and lines of sight
I can't tell I'm in your eyes
Never once is my mind released
I can't breathe, I can't believe
God knows it's always something
When I can feel you coming

And every move I make in time and space
I know you're there, in the shadows
And every burning night I try to shake
I know you're there, I feel you there
Always"

- Kenna "Phantom Always"



If I could take the tears of the past few months, I could replenish the dead sea.  I've got another shot at love, it's resting it's frame next to me at night. I run to it, stopping every few yards to turn back.  I know you've moved on, but in my mind and heart I know you still care.  It's been a weird time for us; arguments take the place of words we don't know how to say.  You don't know how to reach me and I'm so disconnected from the face I knew so well. You get uneasy when you feel my heart tearing, I cry because I don't know what else to do.  Whatever I say is the wrong thing...whatever you think is a cold thing.

We cannot be friends.  The two that could never be apart now can't be within a foot of each other.  With each day, we evaporate a bit more.  There will be a day when I will hear your name and it will be like hearing a song on the radio and for the life of you, you can't remember the lyrics.  You know you should know it, but something keeps you from finding the words. 

Whenever I think of those nights I cried for you...whenever I think of those days I longed for you. I remember you making out,hanging out, and staying out and away from me.  How you would scream when tears blotted my eyes and better judgment. I held my chest and screamed louder than the planes outside of my window.  I called for you, I felt you, but you were no where to be found.  Disheveled and unraveling I repeated the same steps every day, every night.

But everyday, my strides grew longer. Every second my tears came less frequently.  Though it still burns when you come to mind, I can still stand and acknowledge that you aren't right for me.  You will never be.

I loved you...but the I that loved you is apart of the me I no longer am.  If you should need me, I'll be there. For now, I'll sink into the shadows. Apart of who you were, apart of what you became.

-G

"When your belly's empty
And the hunger's so real
And you're too proud to beg
And too dumb to steal
You search the city
For your only friend
No-one would you see
You ask yourself, Who'll Watch For Me?'
A solitary voice to speak out and set me free
I hate to say it
I hate to say it
But it's probably me"
- Sting "It's Probably Me"

I have this small voice.  A lot of times it is wrong, but only because I think it is.  This is already sounding ridiculously redundant so let's do this over.

I'm seriously worried that the things I aspire to be, are coming dangerously close to my grasp.  The dead weight of a love gone wrong has started shedding with my body fat.  The moment I stopped searching for love, it showed up at my doorstep.  I was brave enough to invite it in...and now he's meeting my family this weekend.  I'm excited to be introducing someone who has been so pivotal in my recovery.  By the small things he does, the reminders daily of the way he felt when he first met me (months before Jerry and I broke up), the fact that he tried to keep Jerry and I together before he acted on his own feelings, and that above all he wanted to be my friend just enriches my spirit with a sense of comfort and the divine feeling of being wanted.  e's patiently waiting for me to wrap this up, so I will touch on some other points briefly before it's off to get pancakes.

There are still so many concerns when it comes to what direction I am headed in.  My addiction and need for music has kept my eyes on a career in music since I was old enough to place that Yamaha keyboard on my lap and pick up songs with no lessons at all at the age of 6. In all of my darkest moments, there the music was.  As I grew and the keys of the keyboard shrunk under my fingertips, I never lost that want to play.  That want to perform and to speak though song.  At 24, I am finally in the position to make those childhood fantasies a reality.  It still cracks me up to think back to when I was about 8 and I would write letters to Immature, sending my lyrics and begging them to let me sing for them.  I must of played my Lenny Kravitz "Mama Said"album so much, my older sister knew the words long before she started getting into him. 

In closing, we all have a gift...it's what we do with it that truly matters.  According to the release of my song on Ministry of Sound...I'm on the right path with mine.

Soyez bien,mon amie.

" I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up.
If I could stand up mean for all the things that I believe."- Santogold

I am a Hardy child. For those who haven't heard my story before, let me rephrase what that means.  The youngest of three and the strongest, I've been a bit of a revolutionary my entire life.  I love strong, I live fast, and I am completely devoted to optimism.  My endurance has proved itself to be tremendous though I never took the time to appreciate that. 

Yesterday afternoon, I checked into what has to be the worst motel in Los Angeles and curled into a ball on the oddly scented bed.  I wept and asked my spirit to tell me what to do.  I put an ear to my heart and I waited for it to speak. I asked for a miracle, I asked for patience...and I prayed for hope.  I woke up this morning with the idea that everything was going to work out.  That I was going to make it to whatever star I had been chasing since I was staring out at the barely visable stars that were above my head in North West, Philadelphia. 

My muse also known as my older sister, RPM told me once to appreciate the size of my heart.  It is a gift from God to  be able to love so many and so much.  At first I told her I didn't want to be that way and I wanted to turn it off.  But when I truly  thought about it...that's never been me. Love keeps me alive,it moves me in the directions I need to go into.  I think with my heart and the brain follows.

I guess what I am trying to say is  I am not giving up.  Not yet.  Stay tuned...