Home.  I remember the smells, the people.  The texture of their skin, the sound of laughter and the occasional fight.  I close my eyes and am there, yet when I open them I see nothing but alien territory.  I've been living in Los Angeles for a year now and haven't seen my family since I took off on that 747 from Philadelphia. I still remember the time. 8:47 am.  My mom was a lot stronger this time.  I held her close and promised I would see her soon.  I love her smell.  It's the mixture of  cigarettes, coffee, and Shalimar perfume. I pet Socks (her lab/collie mix) and said goodbye to where I spent most of my teenage years. That was yet another beacon being disassembled in front of my eyes.

I've grown so much in this past year. I learned that nothing is promised, every moment should be spent like a credit card with no limit, and that no matter where you go, there is no place like home.

Christmas this year was it's loneliest.  I watched friends eagerly pack to head back to their loved ones.  Thanksgiving, I was just thankful to be breathing.  I thought of my family sitting down to a dinner minus me.  I cried myself to sleep holding their pictures in my hands.  I thought of my sisters ability to read my like a book.  Just by my tone of voice or a look in my eyes.  I long for my family like a child attending a sleep away camp for the first time. 

June the 28th I will be on a early morning flight to Austin, Texas for a 10 day visit.  My bags and my lover in toe...I will be seeing my Mother and Sister for the first time in over a year.  So much has changed, I wonder if they will recognize the age in me, and the adoration I have for them.  The overall blessing it is to see them again and the love I carry in my heart for them every single day.  This mix is for you, I'm coming home.

"Well, here we go again, you found yourself a friend who knows you well.
But, no matter what you do, you always feel as though you tripped and fell.
So, steady as she goes..."

-The Raconteurs

I am growing into this relationship like a child into hand me downs.  He and I became friends so fast, I guess we could see the issues and loneliness in each other early on.  However, as I spoke with my sister RPM this morning, I realized that this is someone who I'd love to see in my story for the duration of it's pages.  I'm so proud to walk down the street and have his hand in mine.  I get that twinge of giddiness when he purposely puts his arm around my waist when a girl (or male for that matter) stares at him a bit longer than they should.
I'm growing more and more comfortable that he and I are truly into each other and that with me is where he wants to be.  <3

This weekend was rough, but we'll be aiight. Lol.

It's nothing new to me. From couches to beds to benches to car seats. I rest my head where ever. It's not the lifestyle I would of pictured whilst drawing in my crayola sketch pad at the rip old age of 7. I've traded in my youth for what some may call...the gypsy life?

I'm such a lover. It's almost as if I was built for this role.  You can never turn off my switch. The love light is always on.  I fucking attract these people like moths to my light and I can never seem to choose who is the correct or most deserving lover.  However, this time I attracted a beautiful Spanish boy and I am consuming him inside of my glow. 

I always get the question, "Gabe/Gab/Rocket/Heather/Hed, how do you do it?  How do you bounce back?"  It's simple.  I stop giving a fuck.  I pine over it for a little while, I get all emo and then I reach down in the very core of me that puts the switch in my hip, the daggers on my tongue, and the fire in my eyes.  I pat that little patch in my soul, and I tell you exactly what it is.  It is the essence of being a woman.  There, I spilled the beans.

From the moment we are born, the world is not an easy task to take on.  But what our bodies and hearts are built to endure, would match the brawn of any iron man.  We give life, we nurture, we survive.  It was when I got sick of seeing myself break and crack that I tapped into that spot and became what I am right now.

A strong, loving, capable, deserving, and determined: woman.

For the first time in a long time...I am remembering to breathe.

-G

• University of Texas (or Tejas)
• Pepperdine University
• CalState University (Long Beach)
• Hell?

So, those are my choices...wish me luck!

I look over at him all the time, mostly when I know there is no chance of him catching me.  When I'm in the car with him and it's just us, I bask in the fact that he will always be there.  It's not that I take him and his presence for granted, it's that I know he's not looking to find an exit to turn off on.  Though I am a piece of work a majority of the time, his humor and his sense of truth go so far beyond any snip or any blurt of frustration. 

"I can see you in my sleep
Every dream, you're haunting me
All the anger and lines of sight
I can't tell I'm in your eyes
Never once is my mind released
I can't breathe, I can't believe
God knows it's always something
When I can feel you coming

And every move I make in time and space
I know you're there, in the shadows
And every burning night I try to shake
I know you're there, I feel you there
Always"

- Kenna "Phantom Always"



If I could take the tears of the past few months, I could replenish the dead sea.  I've got another shot at love, it's resting it's frame next to me at night. I run to it, stopping every few yards to turn back.  I know you've moved on, but in my mind and heart I know you still care.  It's been a weird time for us; arguments take the place of words we don't know how to say.  You don't know how to reach me and I'm so disconnected from the face I knew so well. You get uneasy when you feel my heart tearing, I cry because I don't know what else to do.  Whatever I say is the wrong thing...whatever you think is a cold thing.

We cannot be friends.  The two that could never be apart now can't be within a foot of each other.  With each day, we evaporate a bit more.  There will be a day when I will hear your name and it will be like hearing a song on the radio and for the life of you, you can't remember the lyrics.  You know you should know it, but something keeps you from finding the words. 

Whenever I think of those nights I cried for you...whenever I think of those days I longed for you. I remember you making out,hanging out, and staying out and away from me.  How you would scream when tears blotted my eyes and better judgment. I held my chest and screamed louder than the planes outside of my window.  I called for you, I felt you, but you were no where to be found.  Disheveled and unraveling I repeated the same steps every day, every night.

But everyday, my strides grew longer. Every second my tears came less frequently.  Though it still burns when you come to mind, I can still stand and acknowledge that you aren't right for me.  You will never be.

I loved you...but the I that loved you is apart of the me I no longer am.  If you should need me, I'll be there. For now, I'll sink into the shadows. Apart of who you were, apart of what you became.

-G